All We Want Is Someone To Listen

I Had an abnormal pap smear and the doctor told me I need it to go for a colposcopy.

The day I had it done one of the students doctors told me I had cervical cancer.

That day when I got home I was so sad and so disappointed I just cried and cried.

I couldn’t eat or drink, I was so mad for having cancer. The doctor told me I had to go back in one month for a another biopsy. When I went to get the results for the second biopsy I was so scared, my heart was beating so fast, I taught I was going to faint.

A nurse told me to wait in a small room and when the doctor came to see me he say "Congratulation it is not cervical cancer". I was so happy and so upset with the student doctor I curse him right there.

I am so happy it was not cancer, I want you all to have a second opinion when you get an abnormal pap smear, its going to save you a lot of grief.

Doctors sometimes make mistakes like it happened to me. I was just so sad I thought I was going to die of cervical cancer I couldn’t sleep or have fun for a month and it was just a mistake. Thank God

Jelly

USA

Infertility

My story is not about a health problem but a miracle. I tried to get pregnant for 25 years with no luck. After years of going to doctors and trying all things available my husband left me for another woman and I thought my life was over.

I really suffered a lot and one day thought I wanted to end my life. I found a job close to my house in a restaurant and tried to forget about all my troubles when I met my now husband Joe. We got married not before I told him I couldn’t have any children, we were in our forties then.

He told me he loved me and that will not make a difference for him. Then a miracle happened, just one month after we got married I got pregnant.

I saw my ex husband in the restaurant and he had already gotten married and had 2 kids. I truly believe now that God did not want us to have kids together.

God really know what he is doing. I am so happy in my marriage and my kid is 3 years old now.

I wanted to shared this with all of you.

Thank You

Carmen O.

California

Submitting myself for treatment must be how a mother feels sending her son off to war-- not knowing if he will return safely to her just the way he is now, well and happy--but what will the war take out of him, from him, that cannot be replaced--will he die along the way, never to return home again to the safety of her love and care?

I am not sick today, I feel mostly fine except for the ache in my heart about my illness--the emotional roller coaster of what treatment to take, where to get the treatment, and how sick it will make me feel, and of course insurance problems abound. But still I am well, I think, and I think again and realize I am very sick with a life threatening disease and I must make myself sicker with toxic medicines and I.V. drips of burning chemicals in order to really be well again.

Like the soldier, what will this all take out of me that I can't replace--will I die along the way? People do die from this, but today I promise myself that I won't and that I can be cured--I must believe that for now!

Today I am told I will not have to lose my breast and for that I am grateful. Thankful, unless the treatment doesn't work and then what, and so on and so on the dominoes fall creating new patterns of existence or nonexistence and what good is a breast without a life; and on and on this goes until I could scream. I touch my skin and wonder how could I live without a part of myself.

I can't make this all OK, not today anyway, but I'm told people do come to terms with this part too; but they are stronger, they are more, they always were. I have always been the cute one, soft, gentle, kind, and loving, the one people thought it easy to take advantage of and they have sometimes, because I loved them and let them and yes, I have even mistaken wolves in sheep's clothing.

I don't think I have been much more than this not yet, that is until now. I still feel that one has to be much more than what I am to make it through all the varying scenarios of this illness. No, those who make it through must be more than I am. They have to be!

But whom am I fooling? We are all just people, women trapped and trying our hardest to make it OK somehow no matter how insurmountable it all seems. Oh God, today I pray I may be spared the agony of the loss of part of my physical self; that will never be OK with me, and today I am spared.

Thank you, God, and THANK YOU to those who have gone before and endured the experience of all I have described and fear most! YOU have touched me with your aliveness, your wellness, your love and hope. YOU are an inspiration to me to move forward, take the medicine, move on and live and give hope to those who will follow and join our increasing ranks of diverse treatment protocols.

You are all the living proof our mission can be accomplished, and today I join forces with you and we now march side by side.

So to begin my journey with you, today I accept the challenge of submitting myself for treatment to save my own life. I must submit to treatment like the soldier sacrifices his life for life. I must sacrifice my life as I know if for the ability to continue my life.

I must also remember that sometimes soldiers come back from war having learned from their experiences and therefore become deeper, more compassionate, more open and caring people; always they are different people than they were before the war. The are forever changed and so are we in this process of getting well.

I hope this will be my experience--for now, I am the soldier saying goodbye to those who cannot join me in the battle, and for now I pray I can return and live on trying to make sense of this time in my life as something that not only made me better but made me a better person too.

I am heartened knowing those who went before me take me by the hand into this unknown war. The passageway is lit now, we have only to follow those in the lead.

Jeanne Borden

Breast Cancer

USA

Herpes

A 2 + años de relación con mi novio se acabo la relacion. Después de ser invitada a salir por 6 meses por un cliente, acepté. Una cosa lleva a otra y tuvimos sexo.

Para hacer la larga historia corta su novia de 7 años se puso en contacto conmigo para hacerme saber que el tiene herpes. Me hicieron la prueba y seguro que tengo. Desde entonces, mi ex-novio y yo volvimos a estar juntos. Le dije de inmediato que era positivo para el herpes. Dijo que no le importaba, de todos modos me ama y nos ocuparemos de las juntas.

Ahora que es amor.

Me diagnosticaron diciembre de 2007. Mi novio y yo en plan de casarnos en marzo. Él no quiere saber nada de el otro, no me pregunta y no le importa.

Él me ama por quien soy y no por lo que tengo.

El número ocho significa comenzar de nuevo, si la pones de lado es el símbolo de infinito. 2008 es un nuevo comienzo infinito para mi novio y yo

Muchas gracias por su historia. Gracias por escuchar a la mía

Ana

Laredo Texas

My initial diagnosis for genital herpes took place in December 1993. The symptoms of my primary episode looked like acne to me at first. By the following weekend a cluster of lesions had formed that defied denial and was frighteningly unfamiliar. An appointment with my family doctor was a priority for the following Monday.

Almost immediately upon seeing the sores on my genitals, my doctor said "That's herpes. I know you don't want to hear that but I've seen a lot of this." I stood in stunned silence. Subsequently, my doctor took a culture, and explained the existence of antiviral treatments.

Shocked, I said that I was an unlikely candidate for genital herpes infection. I told him that I was in a relationship that I had assumed to be committed and monogamous. My doctor told me that he had heard variations of my story many times before. Shaken, angry and frightened, I left the office in a state of dazed disbelief.

I had to cope with a shattered self-perception of my sexuality. I felt dirty, unlovable and untouchable. I had been divorced some years earlier, and had been active in the tumultuous world of adult dating in metropolitan Washington.

Suddenly, I felt that a successful outcome was now impossible. The certainty that I was now "damaged goods" would no doubt prevent me from ever having a mutually satisfying relationship with anyone again.

HOW did I start my recovery from genital herpes? Honesty, an acceptance of my condition and the associated responsibilities to myself and others. Openness, the release of anger and resentment, allowing me to become teachable.

Willingness, a deliberate effort to actively participate in my own recovery. The willingness to participate in my own recovery was fundamental in breaking the emotional cycle of stress-induced outbreaks, as well as preparing me for telling another person that I had herpes.

Telling a potential sexual partner was one of the first and most difficult problems that I had to face. I had to face the possibility of rejection, social stigma, and vulnerability. Effectively dealing with this challenge, however, started me on the path to recovery.

Telling a potential sexual partner was important for several reasons. First, the chance of transmission to somebody else was considerably lower if we were both aware of the condition. In addition, I was relieved of the stressful burdens of fear of discovery, guilt, and secrecy. My partner was allowed to accept a degree of responsibility by making an informed choice and by accepting some of the risk associated with transmission.

I soon saw that I had a considerable amount of control over how somebody else would receive the news. Self-acceptance of my condition was of paramount importance for acceptance by others. Emotional trauma over herpes infections is quite as contagious as the virus itself.

HELP groups were very effective in the development of my personal information base. A well-informed, confident delivery can lend considerably to the chances of a positive response by the other person. Becoming informed about herpes before telling a partner was important because I could certainly expect questions! I also had to be willing to allow time for others to adjust, just as I had needed time to adjust myself. With some form of sexually transmitted infection affecting more than one in five U.S. adults, many people are delighted to discover a fulfilling relationship in spite of one or both partners having some sort of STI.

I resisted my physician’s first efforts to prescribe daily antiviral therapy, based in part on my perception that this treatment regimen was reserved for the worst cases. However, I was to discover that the regimen was both easily tolerated and very effective.

Stressful events that would surely have triggered an outbreak earlier passed without any indication of new activity. Suddenly, I felt once again at liberty to pursue life goals and activities that I had previously considered too risky. The physical cycle of stress-induced outbreaks was broken at last. Almost immediately, the emotional cycle, i.e., causing stress by worrying about outbreaks under stressful circumstances, was broken as well.

I felt like I was in control of my life again, and the connection between the self-perception of my own sexuality and clinical symptoms of genital herpes was broken.

Suppressive therapy during my first year allowed me to develop coping mechanisms without the anguish of repeated, severe, or unexpected outbreaks. The temptation to deny the existence of the condition or lie to partners was greatly diminished. In addition, the period of highest symptomatic and sub-clinical viral shedding passed, reducing the chance of traumatic transmission to a partner.

While valid arguments might exist for continuation of a conservative approach to using suppressive therapy, the undisputed existence of hundreds of thousands of new cases every year underscores the urgency of developing a new, proactive approach to the management of this disease. I do not approach this type of treatment as something that I have to do forever or for the rest of my life. I take suppressive antiviral therapy, just like other aspects of recovery with genital herpes, one day at a time.

As a member of the local HELP group, I heard stories from other people with herpes regarding their infection, management strategies, and relationships. It soon became apparent to me that the secrecy and stigma associated with genital herpes was of little benefit to us. This burden of shame and secrecy prevents us from being able to be honest and open with sexual partners.

As a result of these personal observations, I volunteered to join a small group of individuals who were willing to break their anonymity with regard to having genital herpes. Some time later, I was contacted by the producer of a nationwide talk show and asked to participate in an episode based on “STD's other than AIDS/HIV.” The message that other HELP of Washington DC group members and I tried to pass on was simply that there is help and information available to herpes sufferers, and that information and support had enabled us to enjoy life, love and relationships after herpes. The interest that the show sparked was remarkable.

There is an unfulfilled demand for information and support that exceeds the resources known to the general public. When I characterize the condition to a lay audience, I always emphasize five key points. They are that genital herpes is Serious, Chronic, Contagious, Preventable, and Treatable.

As I have traveled along the journey of recovery with genital herpes, I have found the experience characterized by a variety of choices. We are almost immediately called upon to choose one of two paths. One is the acceptance of the condition and the associated responsibilities. This predisposes us to developing the honesty, openness, and willingness necessary to enjoy life, love and happiness after genital herpes.

The other, suppression and denial, shuts us off from growth, information and support. New people can be drawn into this vicious cycle of bitterness, resentment, and anger by the transmission of the virus. Promoting acceptance and honesty, using antiviral therapy where indicated, and finding social support and information positively affected not only my recovery, but the health and well being of others as well.

Curtis S. Phinney, MSPH

Rockville, Maryland